WARNING — POSSIBLE TRIGGER
I’m feeling depressed. More accurate, I am depressed. I feel weak and tired and worthless. I feel fat and grotesque and ugly. My mind is playing games with me, telling me that I’m not good enough — that I’m a burden to those who love me. I’m becoming paranoid and easily irritated and really emotional. Life with with depression is hard. Some days, just keeping my head above water is hard. Some days, I can’t even do that — I’m held under water, praying for just a gasp of air. On the bright side, I suppose that the realization that it’s my head fucking with me means that I’m winning this battle. It brings very little comfort, but hey, I’ll take what I can get.
We’ve just moved into a new house. The house is awesome! We love it! I have my own room, lovingly called the “diva den,” to write and meditate and read. The featured image today is of the beautiful Turkish chandelier that Hubs got me as an early birthday present. Life is good. The problem is that, right now, my brain is telling me that I don’t deserve a good life. It’s strange how an ill mind can work.
The whole process of moving has not been easy on me. Our old house sold quickly, so we had to move into my parents’ home while we were waiting for this house to be built. I’m definitely not ungrateful for their hospitality. The kind gesture allowed us to save a good deal of money. Living in such a crowded space did not allow me to do the things that I normally do to preoccupy my mind though. Closing day came for our new house — we were so excited — and then the next few weeks were a whirlwind of unpacking and just making it a home. This did keep my mind preoccupied, but I got out of the practice of writing and meditating and reading — my staples at diverting my thoughts. These things are not easy to get back to when already in the web of depression. Hopefully, this blog post will nudge me in the right direction.
I’m sorry about the downer of a post, but I really needed to release some of the negativity. This is my release. Sometimes just seeing it in black and white helps me to see the chaos that my mind is creating for what it is. I hope that this can be a lesson, of sorts. Don’t allow yourself to get so wrapped up in other things — no matter how important — that you don’t take care of yourself. If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else.
Below are some pictures of my diva den. I love it! My beautiful space has a very positive energy about it. It’s time to enjoy it.