I’m under a lot of stress right now. So much that my body wants to buckle and fold beneath it. My mind is in turmoil. Hubs is in the hospital after having his toe amputated due to a serious infection in his foot. The surgery went well and he says that the pain isn’t as bad as he had feared, but he’ll be there until they can ensure that they are treating him for the right kind of infection. They are also doing a biopsy on the toe to check for cancer. So, we wait for the cultures to grow and hope for the best. That should be enough stress for me. It gives my mind plenty of fertile soil to harvest negative thoughts. However, life says, “Nope. That’s not enough. We’re really going to test her this time.”
Before we learned that hubs would need surgery, we set up an appointment for Dacianna — one of our four beloved Huskies — to be spayed. It’s a pretty routine procedure. I didn’t think anything of taking her in for her operation. I did pause for a moment when I realized that I would be without hubs and her for a night — she is,after all, my cuddle bug — but, for the most part, my mind was at ease. There were complications though. The surgery was anything but routine. She made it through the surgery, but the doctor made it a point to say how difficult it was. My mind is tortured by the knowledge that she is in pain and all alone at the vet. I wish that I could be there comforting her. I’m so scared that I’ll never see her again.
Needless to say, my mind now has endless fertile land on which to cultivate infinite negative thoughts. They’re running rampant and I am not dealing with it very well at all. I’m sobbing as I write this. I can’t focus on any coping mechanisms. So, when all else fails, I write.
I need my loved ones to heal and to come back home to me. I don’t know what to do when my comfort zone is fractured. My support system is small. Maybe too small… Maybe that’s my fault. I don’t let many into my life. Some of the loved ones in my system I can’t really count because I don’t think they really grasp the intensity of my emotions. They really do try to help, but they tend to downplay my feelings and many times say things that make the situation worse.
Writing isn’t helping…
When writing fails, I do have a friend to whom I know I can turn. She understands me. She knows that there are times that I need to hash out what’s going on in my head, and there are times when I need to talk about anything but. She knows not to force either. I just got off the phone with her and I’m so grateful to her for being there for me — in the middle of the night at that. Tonight was an “anything but” night. We talked about our high school days, work, what’s going on in the world today — a little bit of everything. We giggled and laughed and enjoyed being friends. Everyone needs a friend like her… Yet they are so rare to find.
I don’t talk to my friend as much as I would like. Being an adult isn’t as great as I thought it would be when I was young. It isn’t all about doing what you want to do when you want to do it. I find it hard to find time for doing what I want. Friends move away and friendships grow distant, but, if you’re lucky, you’ll find one that knows no distance or time. It just exists, and you can go back to it whenever you want — or need — your friend. It’s like a beautiful garden of wildflowers that needs no tending in order to grow. When you get to visit it, the beauty of it stomps out all the ugly weeds that have taken over your thoughts.
Thank you Leslie. I needed that laugh.